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Posted by Admin Eson on Thursday, June 25, 2009 in

So....normally I keep things super light and fun and try to be inspiring but this week a depression has hit me and hit me hard. I don't know why but I suspect it is from trying to be as happy as I can and pretend that THINGS don't bother me. THINGS being that we live in a small space (yes I know I am a broken record) and it is hard to do but more importantly than how hard it can be is the feeling that we will be here forever. I know we are lucky and I do appreciate what we have, really....but to have a work space someday where I could leave my projects partially done...wow!! I mean I love the location and we are very very lucky I just wish with all my heart we had more space and that someday we will own our own home. Without help from family and without a more clear life path to financial success we have just always worked hard and tried to do the best we could. It all ties into success in life too and how maybe some of my choices were not the best and now I am where I am. So as many people do at times....I feel rather like a failure. I know, I know, I have my two gorgeous kids, I have an amazing husband but personally I just don't feel like I matter much. This depression is the kind that leaves you with the feeling 'Why Bother' and that scares me. I mean I KNOW that I matter but what can I say...somewhere inside my brain I'm not buying it. Okay...enough enough...the reason I am sharing this is because in the midst of my big depression...as I was feeling very lonely and sort of hopeless...my Friend Darcey calls and asks if we would like to go to the zoo. (She does not live in Seattle, so I see her but not as much as I would like.) Which is very funny to me because I was planning on surprising the kids and taking them to the Zoo that afternoon....so we met up with Darcey and her 3 kids and had a wonderful day...and I did NOT spend the day complaining or being a bummer. I had fun. The other really cool thing that happened yesterday is that Alison of Malisonian on flickr was also at the Zoo and she came up to me and told me she read my blog. I recognized her face but because I worked in retail forever I could not place how I knew her. She told me and we chatted about kids and having creative energy and lacking creative energy and I got to also meet Esmond, her son, who is super adorable. She was super nice and I told her to flickr mail me for a play date sometime this summer. So Alison if you are reading this...Hello and I can't wait to hang out at the Zoo again :)! I know both of those things are not super duper duper huge in the scheme of life but they were enough to pull me out of my depression a little and realize I am NOT alone. Life with kids is amazing, I do love it but I get lonely and we don't really have help so sometimes I become exhausted and overwhelmed. It was nice to chat with two wonderful ladies and to watch the kids go crazy at the Zoo. Soren was SOSOSOSO excited...he literally screamed at the Gorillas and loved the Penguins and each exhibit was just so exciting for him. He really loves life. Memphis had a great time with her pals Hazel, Leo and Ruby and it was just what we needed. So I guess today I am thanking the universe for sending me fun and love and hoping with all my heart that I can manage to love myself just a bit more and stop being bummed out by things that are out of my control and honestly don't really matter. It is hard to raise children without a village but if you want a village you have to build one...you can't wait for it to come looking for you and that is what I will try to do in the months to come. I hope all of you stay at home Mas out there have a village and if you don't feel free to come and join mine...you are all welcome :)
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